The phone rang and I knew.

It was the wee hours of the morning. I bolted awake and said, “Hello!” The words I heard next came as a relief of sorts and a knife all at once. My dad’s battle with cancer ended and somehow it felt as if he’d won even though he was gone. In my heart, I knew he wasn’t really dead, but he was more alive than he had ever been.

I threw on yesterday’s jeans and a t-shirt that lay on the floor. The drive to the hospital was like a dream. And the finality of seeing him one more time was confirmation this was real. Suffering ended for him, but continued for us. No longer would we watch him writhe in pain, but now we would sit with only the memories we made in the time we had together.

 

For several days following, I woke up dedicated to being strong for my babies, my mom, everyone.

But now, months later, I’m beginning to grieve.

It’s slow and it’s steady, but I’m working through it day by day. Grief has no formula. There is no step by step way to process the earthly loss, or heavenly gain. It’s all such a personal process. And reality reminds me that my hope resides in one person – Jesus.

Grief has taught me a lot of things recently:

1. Losing a loved one is much harder than anyone ever really expresses publicly.

2. The world doesn’t truly know how to help those who are grieving because it’s such a personal thing. God is the only real Comforter.

3. Nothing on earth can cure the grief or snatch it away. But there is coming a day when there will be no more tears.

4. Grief requires attention and must be walked through or it grows and hurts deeper.

5. No ones words are quite right for soothing the real ache – the absence of the person hurts in a way that cannot be put into words. God’s Word offers encouragement at the right time, every time.

Here are a few things I’ve learned to do in grief:

1. Let yourself cry when tears come. Don’t feel guilty when they don’t.

2. Get alone long enough to let the most personal ache rise to the surface.

3. Tell those closest to you that you are grieving, still. Somehow our world has shortened grief to a two week period of time where cards and flowers roll in all at once. Grief lasts much longer than that.

4. Talk about your loved one whenever you want and let yourself honor them by remembering.

5. Keep searching the Scriptures for the comfort and hope God offers.

 

We must acknowledge our very tangible humanity and accept the fact that we cannot expect people to move on so quickly. As soon as we feel like healing should be complete, grief rolls in like a fresh wave that catches us in the undertow.

In Bible times, they ripped their clothes and put ashes on their heads. The people could visually see when others were hurting. I’ve felt a bit like busting a windshield and wearing a t-shirt that says, “I’m grieving, y’all!” or “I miss my dad!” but I know that might sound a bit extreme. So I’ll settle for sharing these words and hoping it helps somebody else who is grieving.

Here’s what it comes down to, if you or someone you love has lost someone they love, give them time, lots of it, to grieve.

It might take weeks or months before reality really even settles in; it might hit like a tidal wave or hang around like the mist of Niagara Falls. But it’s not fair or right for us to expect people to move on and get over it in a day, a week, or even a year.

The deeper the love, the deeper the loss.

I wrote these words in my book Anchored In before the loss of my dad, but the truth remains the same today:

“As you deal with loss in your life, know that it is OK to grieve. Sometimes when we lose something or someone, we think life will never be the same. The truth is, it won’t. But that does not mean life can never be good again. Your life can be good again.

What you have experienced has the potential to be the springboard of experiencing God like never before.

When we face loss, we have a choice to trust God or not.

When we choose not to trust, we live powerless, pain-filled lives searching for relief in all the wrong places. When we choose to rely on God as our comforter and healer and dwell on His power, we can be renewed and comforted. Eventually we will be able to help someone else experience the same comfort.

It’s not that we forget the loss or even leave it behind, but we are propelled by the security we know we have in Jesus. You can have that security, healing, and comfort. But you must focus your mind on Him.”

You will keep him in perfect peace
Whose mind is stayed on you,
Because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

So let’s let each other grieve and let’s acknowledge that maybe we hustle through life too quickly when loss requires more attention than we are willing to give it. When we deal with the grief that strikes our hearts and minds, it leads us to a desperate place. It’s a place only God can soothe.

 

Grief leads us to the giver of comfort

and the person of hope.

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.
I Thessalonians 4:13-18

If you or someone you love knows the pain of grief, pass this on so they can be encouraged too!

 

Love & Blessings,